I have different beliefs about anger; I seem to be a lot more anti-anger than many people, that said I think I have a narrower definition of anger than some people do. Certainly I've had discussions with my psychologist where she seemed to have a lot broader notion of what constitutes anger than I did... and a lot of what she thought were cases of the good side of anger, I had difficulty as seeing as anger at all. Many people seem to have political commitments to seeing some sorts of anger as positive, I don't seem to.
I sometimes quip, "when someone is angry, they often have a good reason to be angry... and that good reason often isn't the reason they think they have".
Anger makes you stupid, the red mist descends upon nearly everyone from time to time. You can't[1] demand saintly conduct from others, you can't demand it from yourself, so you need to unilaterally decide for both of you upon some compromise, and avoid saying that you're doing so inside. Think, but do not say, "I will not accept your assertions, I will not admit wrongdoing, however, to restore and keep the peace, I will comply, for now, at least on those things where superficial compliance is possible, and any discussion or attempt to figure out the right of it will have to wait until we are both calm enough to think straight." Sometimes it will turn out later that the other person had had a bad day at work or something, it has been known for them to spontaneously apologise later when I've had to resort to this.
Yeah, it's a fudge, it's a subterfuge, it's a miserable little compromise, it's a sticking plaster, it's kicking the can down the road, it's less than maximally respectful either to yourself or the other person. But it's simple enough for my poor addled brain and it can help to get me through the day.
The trouble with all this; it works OK for specific incidents, like those that come up with small children. For long-standing grievances, possibly it's easy to end up with a stock of the sort of low-level brooding anger which eats uselessly at you in spare moments, although this may vary from person to person.
[1] Well, in a literal sense you can, but you can't do so and expect to get what you demand, in at least two senses of "expect".
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Date: 2017-11-01 05:34 pm (UTC)I sometimes quip, "when someone is angry, they often have a good reason to be angry... and that good reason often isn't the reason they think they have".
Anger makes you stupid, the red mist descends upon nearly everyone from time to time. You can't[1] demand saintly conduct from others, you can't demand it from yourself, so you need to unilaterally decide for both of you upon some compromise, and avoid saying that you're doing so inside. Think, but do not say, "I will not accept your assertions, I will not admit wrongdoing, however, to restore and keep the peace, I will comply, for now, at least on those things where superficial compliance is possible, and any discussion or attempt to figure out the right of it will have to wait until we are both calm enough to think straight." Sometimes it will turn out later that the other person had had a bad day at work or something, it has been known for them to spontaneously apologise later when I've had to resort to this.
Yeah, it's a fudge, it's a subterfuge, it's a miserable little compromise, it's a sticking plaster, it's kicking the can down the road, it's less than maximally respectful either to yourself or the other person. But it's simple enough for my poor addled brain and it can help to get me through the day.
The trouble with all this; it works OK for specific incidents, like those that come up with small children. For long-standing grievances, possibly it's easy to end up with a stock of the sort of low-level brooding anger which eats uselessly at you in spare moments, although this may vary from person to person.
[1] Well, in a literal sense you can, but you can't do so and expect to get what you demand, in at least two senses of "expect".