A humorous retelling of Acts 10-12

[jack]

Acts 10-11

God: *shows Peter a vision of tasty animals*
Peter:
God: Eat!
Peter:
God: EAT!
Peter: God, what can you be trying to tell me?
God: *deep breath*

God: OK, here's *another* miracle.
God: *concentrates* I'm here to tell you... some men just arrived at your front door.
God: (helpfully) They're about to knock!

Apostles: Peter, is it true that you went to eat treif from a centurion's kitchen?
Peter: (quickly) God told me to do it.

Acts 11

Ex-Jerusalemite Jew: I was driven from Jerusalem by Saul's persection.
Ex-Jerusalemite Jew: He tortured Stephen to death.
Ex-Jerusalemite Jew: ...
Ex-Jerusalemite Jew: BUT HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS ABOUT JESUS!!?

Antioch Gentile: Pick me! Pick me!

Barnabus: Hi!
Antioch Christian: Hi!
Barnabus: Oh, you're not Jewish?
Barnabus: Well, I guess that's ok too.
Barnabus: Pretty good in fact.
Barnabus: Sorry I kind of hesitated there. At least I didn't need a divine revelation or something to get the point across, ha ha, right?

Barnabus: Would you like *some* more theological instruction?
Antioch Christian: Oh, yes please.
Barnabus: I know a guy.
Antioch Christians: Please, anyone. Well, as long as it's not Saul or someone.
Barnabus:
Barnabus: Let's go with "Paul".

Acts 12

Herod: *Executes some people*
Herod: *Looks around gauging the applause like a contestant on The Price is Right*
Herod: Lets arrest... Peter!

Peter: Hi.
Prisoner: That's a LOT of chains.
Peter: Yes.
Peter: It's ok. I'm going to pray to get out of here.
Prisoner: Good luck with that.
Peter:

Angel: Psst!
Angel: I'm here to break you out.
Angel: But put some clothes on, man!

Peter: What is going on?
Angel: You really need supernatural beings to spell things out to you in a lot of detail, don't you?

Peter: *narrates his escape*

Peter: Guess who's back!
Mary: It can't be him.
Peter: Don't piss about, Mary. Let me in quick before the soldiers come back.

Peter: Well, I guess it would only take one more thing to make today perfect.
Herod: *is eaten by worms*