Fidelity and Falling in Love
Jan. 4th, 2011 01:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackI was recently musing on different perspectives on marriage, and one in particular struck me. Romance is often cast as a game of meeting The One. Which I don't think is literally true, but probably has a lot of truth in, in the sense that a certain small fraction of people will make an excellent partnership with you, and most people will eventually meet one of them.
But then, if The Ones appear in a classic poisson distribution, what happens if you meet another The One? Most people agree fidelity involves not sleeping with them, but what are you supposed to feel? I didn't expect this to be a practical problem, but I felt I wasn't confident what was the socially acceptable answer.
Are you supposed to just assume it doesn't happen? That seems most traditional, but not in line with the facts.
Are you supposed to just promise to stay together even if you meet someone "better"? That's also traditional (and makes sense if you make life decisions based on staying together), but is contradictory to the idea of being with someone you love.
Are you supposed to say you'll love each other more than anyone else, and rely on "what's normal" to determine what you're actually agreeing to? I agree this works for most people, but I always want to actually understand something, not just accept that it's normal.
But what occurred to me is that a traditional interpretation is basically assuming that you can only fall in love with one person at once, so if you're in a long term committed relationship, and find yourself falling in love with someone else, it's basically all over (unless you lock those feelings down deep and deny they exist).
But if you accept you might be able to love two people, even if you don't have space in your life to make a relationship with both, it actually seems less troubling. It's possible to make a commitment not "I will never find myself falling in love with someone else" but "if I could live with either of these people, but I have to choose, I choose the relationship we've already put the time and effort into building up, and will not pursue the other one as anything other friendship".
Obviously that doesn't prevent insanely painful personal problems, but it felt like a helpful was of thinking of what it meant to make a commitment to each other.
But then, if The Ones appear in a classic poisson distribution, what happens if you meet another The One? Most people agree fidelity involves not sleeping with them, but what are you supposed to feel? I didn't expect this to be a practical problem, but I felt I wasn't confident what was the socially acceptable answer.
Are you supposed to just assume it doesn't happen? That seems most traditional, but not in line with the facts.
Are you supposed to just promise to stay together even if you meet someone "better"? That's also traditional (and makes sense if you make life decisions based on staying together), but is contradictory to the idea of being with someone you love.
Are you supposed to say you'll love each other more than anyone else, and rely on "what's normal" to determine what you're actually agreeing to? I agree this works for most people, but I always want to actually understand something, not just accept that it's normal.
But what occurred to me is that a traditional interpretation is basically assuming that you can only fall in love with one person at once, so if you're in a long term committed relationship, and find yourself falling in love with someone else, it's basically all over (unless you lock those feelings down deep and deny they exist).
But if you accept you might be able to love two people, even if you don't have space in your life to make a relationship with both, it actually seems less troubling. It's possible to make a commitment not "I will never find myself falling in love with someone else" but "if I could live with either of these people, but I have to choose, I choose the relationship we've already put the time and effort into building up, and will not pursue the other one as anything other friendship".
Obviously that doesn't prevent insanely painful personal problems, but it felt like a helpful was of thinking of what it meant to make a commitment to each other.