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jackFiguring out if your brain is "normal" or "functioning well" is notoriously finicky. I've been going through another large batch of introspection recently. "Too much introspection" may itself be a problem.
I'm adding the regular disclaimer -- I'm talking about how things *often* feel. The fact that I'm talking about it almost always means I feel *better* and am able to think about it. This isn't something that is new because I'm talking about, really it isn't, it's something I can see, only by contrast with having less of it. And, even by just mostly ignoring all these, I've still had a very good life -- if you know me well, please don't feel bad that this is sometimes there too.
ADD-like effects
There's SOMETHING. Lots of people have pointed this out. But what I'm not sure of is, is this a problem that I would benefit from fixing, or have lots of tea and coping strategies added up to a successfully functioning adult?
I'm counting "coping strategies" that take a lot of energy as "a problem" and coping strategies that don't take a lot of energy as "successfully functioning adult" FWIW.
Similarities:
* When I can't concentrate, I can't concentrate, it's like a wall, and after even a few seconds of trying, my attention skitters off to something else.
* Lots of caffeine seems to be good for me, and if anything help me sleep, not prevent me
* Very small distractions tend to very much derail my concentration
Differences:
* Problems concentrating don't seem to be when work is "boring" (that doesn't help, but it doesn't seem to be a big problem), but when if it seems like it isn't worthwhile or most commonly, if I don't know if it'll succeed, or I don't know what I'll do next. That seems really different to what most people describe as ADD-y problems.
* I've always had a big problems getting things done to deadlines. I would often absolutely freeze up and be unable to work, like I was terrified when there was no reason to be. But I never had the problems many people describe with schoolwork: "here's a long list of things, work your way through them steadily" was great, that's what I was best at!
* I talked about small distractions, and finding it hard to concentrate, but... those all apply to people sometimes. Most people find writing fiction hard to do! Most people get distractable and forget things when they're tired.
Depression
Again, it seems like there's SOMETHING. I hear if you're regularly depressed AT ALL, it's probably something worth dealing with. (But like, you're not supposed to hate yourself EVER? That's really the standard normal for most people?)
What similarities are there? A lot of things that it sounds like most people have *sometimes* but less recurringly, I think:
* It's hard to judge what's normal, as most people have a fair amount of "just doing what they do and not taking initiative to do new things", but I seem to have a lot of "agh, that sounds cool, but I won't do it, I don't have the time/energy/not-spoons/". Both day-to-day, "should I go to social thing", "should I watch fun thing", and longer term, "should I aspire to such-and-such job", etc
* Feeling like I never achieved anything. Well, I feel like I *haven't*, really -- but I hear that's less an overwhelming weight on some people?
* Recurring self-hatred, and instinct to self-harm (not similar to what most people describe, but I think it counts)
* Taking everything really really personally, and often feeling like tiny mistakes are a big deal because I don't think "well, I'm doing ok most of the time so minor variations are probably not the end of the world" I think "I had no idea how to operate normally, one slip up shows I've no idea what I was doing, I don't know why I even bothered to pretend"
* And I mean, a whole lot of other "meh".
Several people have pointed me at the technical terms for chronic-not-necessarily-severe depression, and depression-where-happy-things-lift-you-out-of-it-but-it-doesn't-last. That does sound right.
Scott Alexander (slatestarcodex) used the metaphor of a leaky bucket for some sorts of depression. Not as in a specific quantity but as in "your overall non-depression-ness is a constant complicated feedback system that trends up or down depending on the person and the inputs it gets". If there's a big leak, you need to patch the leak, i.e. you need some sort of medicine, and if you don't get it, whatever else you do, you'll quickly return to the pit. Some people don't have a leak at all, but get stuck in a pit when they have a succession of negative input, and it takes a long time to build out of it to a more stable baseline. Some people have a small leak, and are *more likely* to fall into a pit, but if they do all the "keep your mood up" stuff then everything can work ok.
Which of those categories am I in? I can't easily tell.
Conclusions
It's not that important whether I fall neatly into an officially defined box or not. I guess what I'm wondering is, I feel more "me" on days when these problems are less evidence. Which is increasingly common. Is the level of performance I've reached now, basically normal/sufficient? Or is there something I should do to attack these problems which would make a big difference (either meaning "not so many lows" or "the peaks are a lot higher").
And if I did decide to do something, what? Other than "be happier"? More exercise would be good but will be hard to find time for. I've shied away from considering any drugs, but I know some people find the right thing that helps a lot and doesn't have fiendish downsides, even if they're in the "ugh, sort of a chronic on-and-off problem" range not the "holy shit you need help like whoah" range.
It's really hard to tell from the inside, whether I mostly have good days, and riding out a few bad days here and there is not a big cost, or whether I mostly have mediocre days and only have good days when too many different things line up, and trying to get them all to line up all the time is unrealistic and I should seek ways to function when I can't rely on ten different things all going well.
I'm adding the regular disclaimer -- I'm talking about how things *often* feel. The fact that I'm talking about it almost always means I feel *better* and am able to think about it. This isn't something that is new because I'm talking about, really it isn't, it's something I can see, only by contrast with having less of it. And, even by just mostly ignoring all these, I've still had a very good life -- if you know me well, please don't feel bad that this is sometimes there too.
ADD-like effects
There's SOMETHING. Lots of people have pointed this out. But what I'm not sure of is, is this a problem that I would benefit from fixing, or have lots of tea and coping strategies added up to a successfully functioning adult?
I'm counting "coping strategies" that take a lot of energy as "a problem" and coping strategies that don't take a lot of energy as "successfully functioning adult" FWIW.
Similarities:
* When I can't concentrate, I can't concentrate, it's like a wall, and after even a few seconds of trying, my attention skitters off to something else.
* Lots of caffeine seems to be good for me, and if anything help me sleep, not prevent me
* Very small distractions tend to very much derail my concentration
Differences:
* Problems concentrating don't seem to be when work is "boring" (that doesn't help, but it doesn't seem to be a big problem), but when if it seems like it isn't worthwhile or most commonly, if I don't know if it'll succeed, or I don't know what I'll do next. That seems really different to what most people describe as ADD-y problems.
* I've always had a big problems getting things done to deadlines. I would often absolutely freeze up and be unable to work, like I was terrified when there was no reason to be. But I never had the problems many people describe with schoolwork: "here's a long list of things, work your way through them steadily" was great, that's what I was best at!
* I talked about small distractions, and finding it hard to concentrate, but... those all apply to people sometimes. Most people find writing fiction hard to do! Most people get distractable and forget things when they're tired.
Depression
Again, it seems like there's SOMETHING. I hear if you're regularly depressed AT ALL, it's probably something worth dealing with. (But like, you're not supposed to hate yourself EVER? That's really the standard normal for most people?)
What similarities are there? A lot of things that it sounds like most people have *sometimes* but less recurringly, I think:
* It's hard to judge what's normal, as most people have a fair amount of "just doing what they do and not taking initiative to do new things", but I seem to have a lot of "agh, that sounds cool, but I won't do it, I don't have the time/energy/not-spoons/". Both day-to-day, "should I go to social thing", "should I watch fun thing", and longer term, "should I aspire to such-and-such job", etc
* Feeling like I never achieved anything. Well, I feel like I *haven't*, really -- but I hear that's less an overwhelming weight on some people?
* Recurring self-hatred, and instinct to self-harm (not similar to what most people describe, but I think it counts)
* Taking everything really really personally, and often feeling like tiny mistakes are a big deal because I don't think "well, I'm doing ok most of the time so minor variations are probably not the end of the world" I think "I had no idea how to operate normally, one slip up shows I've no idea what I was doing, I don't know why I even bothered to pretend"
* And I mean, a whole lot of other "meh".
Several people have pointed me at the technical terms for chronic-not-necessarily-severe depression, and depression-where-happy-things-lift-you-out-of-it-but-it-doesn't-last. That does sound right.
Scott Alexander (slatestarcodex) used the metaphor of a leaky bucket for some sorts of depression. Not as in a specific quantity but as in "your overall non-depression-ness is a constant complicated feedback system that trends up or down depending on the person and the inputs it gets". If there's a big leak, you need to patch the leak, i.e. you need some sort of medicine, and if you don't get it, whatever else you do, you'll quickly return to the pit. Some people don't have a leak at all, but get stuck in a pit when they have a succession of negative input, and it takes a long time to build out of it to a more stable baseline. Some people have a small leak, and are *more likely* to fall into a pit, but if they do all the "keep your mood up" stuff then everything can work ok.
Which of those categories am I in? I can't easily tell.
Conclusions
It's not that important whether I fall neatly into an officially defined box or not. I guess what I'm wondering is, I feel more "me" on days when these problems are less evidence. Which is increasingly common. Is the level of performance I've reached now, basically normal/sufficient? Or is there something I should do to attack these problems which would make a big difference (either meaning "not so many lows" or "the peaks are a lot higher").
And if I did decide to do something, what? Other than "be happier"? More exercise would be good but will be hard to find time for. I've shied away from considering any drugs, but I know some people find the right thing that helps a lot and doesn't have fiendish downsides, even if they're in the "ugh, sort of a chronic on-and-off problem" range not the "holy shit you need help like whoah" range.
It's really hard to tell from the inside, whether I mostly have good days, and riding out a few bad days here and there is not a big cost, or whether I mostly have mediocre days and only have good days when too many different things line up, and trying to get them all to line up all the time is unrealistic and I should seek ways to function when I can't rely on ten different things all going well.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-12 01:27 pm (UTC)Similarly the feeling of wanting to have Achieved Something and be able to point at the solid Thing That Was Achieved rather than being content with going along with everyday life, although I think that might actually be from being high-performing at school and therefore feeling like your life is set up to Do Great Things and then discovering as an adult it's harder than that.
The self hate / self harm urges / catastrophising are all generally anxiety, which is often comorbid with autism because we really are just putting on a normal face and worried we will get found out...
OTOH there isn't really much you can _do_ with an adult autism diagnosis other than maybe make an employer listen to problems or get some help if you ever end up interacting with formal examinations again.
no subject
Date: 2019-06-17 12:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-06-17 04:19 pm (UTC)