Review - Jesus goes to Hogwarts
Aug. 24th, 2004 02:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackwww.fanfiction.net/s/1560633/1/
I think the disclaimer at the top says it all really, if you were left in any doubt after reading the title: [DOUBLE DISCLAIMER!] I do not own Jesus (or any part of the associated "Bible" fandom)! Nor do I claim to own any part of the Harry Potter world! These books belong to their authors (GOD and J.K. Rowling) and I am not trying to steal from them! Thanks guys! ^__^
It's like the author said "OK, I have bad canon-mangling technically-copyright-breaking fiction, but this offends only maybe 2% of all people. If I could make it blasphemous as well *and* make Jesus really out of character, breaking the commandments, needing a wand to break the laws of nature, and forsaking his Father, and make the fic really laughable too, I can offend maybe 95% Woo!"
Some choice quotes:
1. Young Jesus was sitting by the side of the road, feeling gloomy. It had been a bad day. He tried preaching in the marketplace, but no one would listen. Then his father came and dragged him back to the workshop. Jesus hated carpentering, but he worked dutifully until his father told him he could leave. Now he was tired and in a bad mood.
2. "I am Albus Dumbledore," the old man said, beaming at Jesus. "I've come to rescue you!"
3. Dumbledore leaned down, looking quite serious. "Satan is loose in the world, Jesus. And his name is Voldemort."
4. "Here's where we get yer wand, Jesus," Hagrid said, thumping Jesus on the shoulder so hard Jesus' knees wobbled. "On'y place fer wands, Ollivanders."
5. "It's strange that you should be destined for that wand, when its brother, why, its brother belongs to none other than the Dark Lord himself."
6. Jesus shook his head to clear it and stared in astonishment. The purple- robed wizard was not alone; standing behind him were six more witches and wizards, all wearing bright purple robes and stern expressions. They were also wearing enormous purple bonnets in the shape of hippopotamus' heads.
"Thanks - what - who are you?"
"We," the leader said gravely, "are the Hippopotamati."
7. [PS!] I took the “Mary Sue Litmus Test” and this story only scored a 7 so you “Mary-Sue” people can go choke on a polar bear tongue!
[PPS!] Those of you who think Jesus never lost his temper are advised to read Mark more thoroughly!
[PPPS!] Chapter 4 will be up within a week or two -- I can’t wait to get Jesus in his classes already! Thankz for reading guys!!! ^___________^
8. “We believe that you are the Great Hippopotamus reincarnated. You are our only hope of stopping the Dark Lord. There’s no one but you on this world pure enough to fight him, not even the Christians.”
“What on Earth is a Christian?”
Jocasta clapped a hand to her mouth. “Oops, forget I said that. OK, this one was supposed to be funny and was. Every story has something good about it.
9. [AUTHoRS NOTE!~!~!~~!] Ok I have been going thru some very tough times friends, some people have said some very mean things to me so I am kind of down in the dumps! I was so sad I thought maybe I would never ever write again! But like the phoenix I rise from the ashes of your scorn and mean things you said! Anyways, please be nice to me okay because I am sad so please don’t hurt my feelings because I am very sensitive. ^____^ I think this chapter was inspired mostly by Linkin Park’s beautiful and moving and profound songs that have helped me through some hard places because only they describe how I truly feel and the depths of pain in my dark soul. ^____^ OK, I feel guilty now. I think the author could be fairly good. And gets mucho points for originality. But couldn't you SEE what a bad idea this was?
10. “My name’s Jesus, by the way,” Jesus said.
“Oh, sorry. I’m Ron. You don’t sound like you’re from here,” Ron said, squinting at Jesus.
11. “Are you really Jesus? The Jesus?”
“I told you I was, didn’t I?”
“You didn’t tell me you were THE Jesus!”
Jesus shifted uncomfortably. “What do you mean, ‘the’ Jesus?”
“You know, divine powers, snake charmer, all that?”
“Well, I don’t know about divine powers, but once a peddler brought a snake from the wilds and I taught it to sing the--”
“Wow, you ARE Jesus!” I THINK this is funny on purpose, but I'm not sure.
I think the disclaimer at the top says it all really, if you were left in any doubt after reading the title: [DOUBLE DISCLAIMER!] I do not own Jesus (or any part of the associated "Bible" fandom)! Nor do I claim to own any part of the Harry Potter world! These books belong to their authors (GOD and J.K. Rowling) and I am not trying to steal from them! Thanks guys! ^__^
It's like the author said "OK, I have bad canon-mangling technically-copyright-breaking fiction, but this offends only maybe 2% of all people. If I could make it blasphemous as well *and* make Jesus really out of character, breaking the commandments, needing a wand to break the laws of nature, and forsaking his Father, and make the fic really laughable too, I can offend maybe 95% Woo!"
Some choice quotes:
1. Young Jesus was sitting by the side of the road, feeling gloomy. It had been a bad day. He tried preaching in the marketplace, but no one would listen. Then his father came and dragged him back to the workshop. Jesus hated carpentering, but he worked dutifully until his father told him he could leave. Now he was tired and in a bad mood.
2. "I am Albus Dumbledore," the old man said, beaming at Jesus. "I've come to rescue you!"
3. Dumbledore leaned down, looking quite serious. "Satan is loose in the world, Jesus. And his name is Voldemort."
4. "Here's where we get yer wand, Jesus," Hagrid said, thumping Jesus on the shoulder so hard Jesus' knees wobbled. "On'y place fer wands, Ollivanders."
5. "It's strange that you should be destined for that wand, when its brother, why, its brother belongs to none other than the Dark Lord himself."
6. Jesus shook his head to clear it and stared in astonishment. The purple- robed wizard was not alone; standing behind him were six more witches and wizards, all wearing bright purple robes and stern expressions. They were also wearing enormous purple bonnets in the shape of hippopotamus' heads.
"Thanks - what - who are you?"
"We," the leader said gravely, "are the Hippopotamati."
7. [PS!] I took the “Mary Sue Litmus Test” and this story only scored a 7 so you “Mary-Sue” people can go choke on a polar bear tongue!
[PPS!] Those of you who think Jesus never lost his temper are advised to read Mark more thoroughly!
[PPPS!] Chapter 4 will be up within a week or two -- I can’t wait to get Jesus in his classes already! Thankz for reading guys!!! ^___________^
8. “We believe that you are the Great Hippopotamus reincarnated. You are our only hope of stopping the Dark Lord. There’s no one but you on this world pure enough to fight him, not even the Christians.”
“What on Earth is a Christian?”
Jocasta clapped a hand to her mouth. “Oops, forget I said that. OK, this one was supposed to be funny and was. Every story has something good about it.
9. [AUTHoRS NOTE!~!~!~~!] Ok I have been going thru some very tough times friends, some people have said some very mean things to me so I am kind of down in the dumps! I was so sad I thought maybe I would never ever write again! But like the phoenix I rise from the ashes of your scorn and mean things you said! Anyways, please be nice to me okay because I am sad so please don’t hurt my feelings because I am very sensitive. ^____^ I think this chapter was inspired mostly by Linkin Park’s beautiful and moving and profound songs that have helped me through some hard places because only they describe how I truly feel and the depths of pain in my dark soul. ^____^ OK, I feel guilty now. I think the author could be fairly good. And gets mucho points for originality. But couldn't you SEE what a bad idea this was?
10. “My name’s Jesus, by the way,” Jesus said.
“Oh, sorry. I’m Ron. You don’t sound like you’re from here,” Ron said, squinting at Jesus.
11. “Are you really Jesus? The Jesus?”
“I told you I was, didn’t I?”
“You didn’t tell me you were THE Jesus!”
Jesus shifted uncomfortably. “What do you mean, ‘the’ Jesus?”
“You know, divine powers, snake charmer, all that?”
“Well, I don’t know about divine powers, but once a peddler brought a snake from the wilds and I taught it to sing the--”
“Wow, you ARE Jesus!” I THINK this is funny on purpose, but I'm not sure.
no subject
Date: 2004-08-25 11:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-25 11:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-25 11:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-08-25 11:11 am (UTC)Guy? For some reason I assumed this was written by a 14-year old girl, not sure why. Probably statistics. Anyway, I had a look at the author's page, and it says:
Hi!!!! ^__~ i LKE TO write stuff and post i t hear 4u too read!!! :) i am planning on to being famous soon for i am a gr8 write as u can planely see!!! =^__^= i hope u lieke my stuff n enjoy to read it!! plz b nice four as u can see i am destained 4 gr8ness so i will make ur writing cairer fale if u annuy me!!! @__!~ LOL j.k but am i reaky>>! o_O
Projects I'm working on right now (I promise they will be up soon):
1. Pikachu and the Apartheid Avengers
2. Wufie the Dancing Wehrmacht Tank
3. Happy Unicorn Saves the Day