What is the least sexual form of undead?

[jack]

One of my friends likes Zombies. Too much. Though not necessarily like that. I was going to say Zombies were the least palatable form of undead ever, but then realised I hadn't yet considered the question in detail.

Vampires 5/5

Vampires are generally considered "where it's at" with regard to sexual undead. Laurel K. Hamilton, the authority on metaphysics justifying soft-core vampire porn, certainly endorses this view in the Anita Blake series.

It's not always the case, but as far back as the original Dracula novel there was a connection between blood-drinking and sex, and vampires were under the right conditions very suave and debonair. (In fact, AB had the interesting proposal that legends of vampires were based on occurrences, and vampire politics caused a shift in the prevalent form of vampires from dead-like to sexual.)

The modern trend for Vampires as another urban subculture supports the view even more.

Werewolves: 5/5

Werewolves have a unique advantage in the competition, being the only form of undead to be, well, alive. Warm-blooded. Mammalian. Physically virile. That alone wins them a top-starring role. And of course, some people don't even object to the wolf aspect.

At worst, you can lead a normal sex life 90% of the month, and indulge in some private bondage the other. Witness Oz. At best, you have an exceptional strength, endurance, and in-touch-ness with your emotions, and can morph parts of your body at will.

Ghosts: N/A

Typically incorporeal and having lost all carnal desire. Though occasionally get somewhere with possession.

Demons: 4/5

May be just disgusting, but are generally sapient and self-willed, can choose a pleasing form, and are powerful and important. The poster-child being succubi, who get like 69/5.

Liches: 1/5

Powerful and self-willed, and with a preserved body, but generally a decrepit one. Also, evil and Machiavellian. I mean, ok, so technically Demons might be more evil, but at least a demon might simply be amusing itself or trying to corrupt you with dalliance, I've never known a lich do anything at all that isn't the direct result of a baroque plot :)

Mummies, Skeletons, and other animate undead: 1/5

Much the same as Zombies, but may be less rotting.

Ghouls: -1/5

Much the same as zombies, but slightly more intelligent always cannibalistic.

Zombies: 0/5

OK, here we are. Even Anita-Blakeverse vampires think liking zombies is a terrifying perversion. I mean, ugh, rotting. And with at most two modes of conversation, standing around and occasionally hitting things or tearing lumps of flesh off things. I think the only author to rush in where Laurel K Hamilton feared to tread was Piers Anthony.

Have I left anything out? Should I have left well alone?

Friend: Sorry, just teasing you. The show in question looked interesting. Just the interest in it seemed worrying :)

Comments

[miss-next.livejournal.com]

Might there not be, er, to put it as delicately as possible, certain practical difficulties involved in zombie sex? It's the tendency for bits of zombies to become detached that makes me worry...

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

Well, yes. I attempted to convey that delicately with "ugh, rotting". And by giving them 0/5 -- was that too generous? :)

[miss-next.livejournal.com]

Far too generous. I'd give them -5 on a good day.

[senji.livejournal.com]

On a bad day you might be so out of it that you'd stretch to -2?

[miss-next.livejournal.com]

On a bad day I'd give them... problems. :-)

[tienelle.livejournal.com]

Presumably if you're inclined towards necrophilia zombies are great, on account of how they're corpses that don't flop around quite so much.

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

I mean, yeah. But that just seems to make it more disturbing :)

[(Anonymous)]

I believe there's a Japanese fetish for ghosts with telekinetic powers (poltergeists?) along the same lines as tentacle monsters or water elementals, the key element being see-through penetration.

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

LOL. That makes some sense.

[lupie-stardust.livejournal.com]

Werewolves aren't undead.

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's what I thought. But they always seem to crop up on the list somehow, Pratchett once described a werewolf as an honorary undead. For that matter, in some canon, ghouls, banshees, poltergeists, and even vampires are more like special species, but in many they're true back-from-the-dead.

I examined how I felt, and found that in traditional werewolf lore, it felt like someone would become a werewolf when they barely survived a werewolf attack -- as if, they *ought* to have died, but instead became a werewolf. Which is actually sort of similar to how vampires operate -- you're killed by a vampire and actually die, but *then* become a vampire instead. Maybe that similarity is where the crossover idea comes from?

[lupie-stardust.livejournal.com]

I actually think that the crossover comes with so much lumping-together of "monsters" in popular culture. I've never seen werewolves associated with the undead in traditional folklore, and in fact, in one case (I'd get my Book of Werewolves by Sabine Baring-Gould out at this point, but it's at home) in Russian lore, I think, werewolves are seen to fight against the undead. Specifically undead that clamber out of coffins and the such. Vampires seem a popular choice for werewolf-snaffling. And that's something that's trickled through to modern day pop culture, too! Look at Underworld and its ludicrous kin.

Werewolveswerewolveseeee.

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

Werewolveswerewolveseeee.

:)

That's interesting, I hadn't known.

[bouteillebleu.livejournal.com]

Nor are demons, for that matter.

And now I'm trying to figure out which realm in Ars Magica undead would end up in. I think they get dumped in Faerie, like pretty much everything else that isn't Divine, Infernal or Magical...

But yeah, I'd not include demons as undead - they're definitely Other in a way, but not in a "this was once a living being" way. They've always been living, just not in the same way or form as humans.

[lupie-stardust.livejournal.com]

Heh, didn't spot the demons. I was too busy frolicing with werewolves.

IN MY MIND

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

ROFL.

Do you want to knock off[1] any others in the list while we're all here?

[1] So to speak.

[tienelle.livejournal.com]

Rotting corpses shambling around would do just fine in both Faerie and the Infernal. You can re-animate a corpse using very powerful CrCo rituals, but they're never... quite... the same.

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

Hm. Well, they *oughtn't* to be, really. But they're lumped together with undead even more so than werewolves in so many canon.

[minipoppy.livejournal.com]

Urgh, sex with a mummy sounds worst. It'd be all dry and dessicated, and the whole time you'd be thinking whether it'd be best to undress it before getting down to business.

This is not a thought process I expected to be having today! I'm sure Poppy Z Brite would have something to say on the subject though.

[rochvelleth.livejournal.com]

*lol*

Aw, I feel honoured :)

Hang on, since when did I say I wanted to have sex with a zombie?

Admittedly, I find the idea of that series interesting, but, you know, zombies are for scariness and vampires are for sex ;)

P.S. I soooo need a...

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

Aw, *hugs* I'm glad you're pleased ;)

I did say, you didn't necessarily like them *like that*. But you were sufficiently excited I got that scurrilous impression :)

P.S. I soooo need a...

ROFL. Oh yes. Damnit, it's time I just made you one. How about a little stick-figure pippa stalking left and right across the icons, with a speech bubble saying "brains"?