Unsolicited personal advice
Nov. 12th, 2010 02:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackPremises:
1. This person has a problem.
2. I find this problem easy to fix in my own life.
3. Everyone is exactly the same as me.
4. Therefore this person WOULD find it easy to fix if they knew about it.
5. Therefore they DON'T know about it.
6. Therefore all I have to do is tell them, and they'll instantly reform, be happy, and shower me with gratitude.
7. Oh no, it didn't work out like that :( What's wrong?
Spot the mistake? Step 3. If someone is genuinely unaware that they have a problem (typically something urgent and immediate) then telling them may genuinely fix everything. If they're refusing to admit they have a problem, then telling them may eventually get through (although not necessarily).
But often, it's not that someone doesn't KNOW they have a problem, it's that even if they do they don't find it easy to fix it even if you would. Either for an objective physical reason (eg. find it hard to get fit because a medical condition makes it much harder to exercise) or an internal reason (eg. they're panicked and don't know where to start and don't dare face it). Even if it's not obvious by looking at them.
In which case saying "it's easy to fix you should start by doing [several easy things]" may help (if you know their situation well enough to know what the things are), but saying "it's really urgent" is likely to only make them feel more dejected about the problem.
This is the problem with, for instance, going up to people in the street and saying they should exercise more, even discounting that they may have some good reason for not doing so, or some good reason for not needing to, even if they WOULD like to, even if you're right, it's unlikely to be what they need to hear.
ETA: This was originally going to be a cartoon with a little whistling dude who didn't know he had a problem and a little "la la la" dude who didn't admit it and a little flailing dude who didn't know how to fix it. But it seemed too complicated for a cartoon :)
1. This person has a problem.
2. I find this problem easy to fix in my own life.
3. Everyone is exactly the same as me.
4. Therefore this person WOULD find it easy to fix if they knew about it.
5. Therefore they DON'T know about it.
6. Therefore all I have to do is tell them, and they'll instantly reform, be happy, and shower me with gratitude.
7. Oh no, it didn't work out like that :( What's wrong?
Spot the mistake? Step 3. If someone is genuinely unaware that they have a problem (typically something urgent and immediate) then telling them may genuinely fix everything. If they're refusing to admit they have a problem, then telling them may eventually get through (although not necessarily).
But often, it's not that someone doesn't KNOW they have a problem, it's that even if they do they don't find it easy to fix it even if you would. Either for an objective physical reason (eg. find it hard to get fit because a medical condition makes it much harder to exercise) or an internal reason (eg. they're panicked and don't know where to start and don't dare face it). Even if it's not obvious by looking at them.
In which case saying "it's easy to fix you should start by doing [several easy things]" may help (if you know their situation well enough to know what the things are), but saying "it's really urgent" is likely to only make them feel more dejected about the problem.
This is the problem with, for instance, going up to people in the street and saying they should exercise more, even discounting that they may have some good reason for not doing so, or some good reason for not needing to, even if they WOULD like to, even if you're right, it's unlikely to be what they need to hear.
ETA: This was originally going to be a cartoon with a little whistling dude who didn't know he had a problem and a little "la la la" dude who didn't admit it and a little flailing dude who didn't know how to fix it. But it seemed too complicated for a cartoon :)
no subject
Date: 2010-11-12 09:25 pm (UTC)If you're actually speaking from within an area of expertise, it's different. When a random person makes a medical suggestion to me, that's generally annoying (especially to me, since my medical situation is extremely complicated and most normal things are potentially dangerous for me, so odds are good if I followed their advice I could suffer quite a bit of harm), but if my father who is a retired doctor makes a suggestion, then I listen and consider it, because I do have reason to believe he knows more than I do, at least in general, and if I have specific concerns about my condition, then I can bring those up for how they might apply.
That's why things like "become vegetarian" or "turn Christian" are annoying. They are general advice that don't relate specifically to you and are assuming the person knows more about how to live a life. Sure, some people are happier and better off when they do one or the other of those, and some people are happier and better off when they stop doing one or the other of those. I'm vegetarian and very much want to be, but I know someone whose health seems to have improved when he stopped being vegetarian. It can go either way.
As to your last example, I am truly sorry. I really think they are feeling bad about themselves and taking it out on you. They interpreted something as a positive change, asked you how you did it, and then became uncomfortable. I think they really wanted an easy answer or an impossible one, anything that didn't make them feel like they could do it with effort they didn't want to put in. This sounds a lot like the flip side of people getting upset with disabled people and trying to blame them for being disabled, because it makes them uncomfortable that the world is scary and anyone might become sick or injured through no fault of their own, even young people who did nothing obviously "wrong". (And yes, this does happen annoyingly often.)
I do worry a little about the drink more water thing though. I know I'm a minority, but I know others like me - we have trouble getting enough salt into our diets. If you up the water intake without upping salt and the salt is already low that can be a problem. Other than that, it should be okay. Massive overconsumption of water can be dangerous, but most people don't take it to those levels. If you're seeing to your salt intake, then you can up water safely though or if you already get too much salt in your diet.