Unsolicited personal advice

[jack]

Premises:

1. This person has a problem.
2. I find this problem easy to fix in my own life.
3. Everyone is exactly the same as me.
4. Therefore this person WOULD find it easy to fix if they knew about it.
5. Therefore they DON'T know about it.
6. Therefore all I have to do is tell them, and they'll instantly reform, be happy, and shower me with gratitude.
7. Oh no, it didn't work out like that :( What's wrong?

Spot the mistake? Step 3. If someone is genuinely unaware that they have a problem (typically something urgent and immediate) then telling them may genuinely fix everything. If they're refusing to admit they have a problem, then telling them may eventually get through (although not necessarily).

But often, it's not that someone doesn't KNOW they have a problem, it's that even if they do they don't find it easy to fix it even if you would. Either for an objective physical reason (eg. find it hard to get fit because a medical condition makes it much harder to exercise) or an internal reason (eg. they're panicked and don't know where to start and don't dare face it). Even if it's not obvious by looking at them.

In which case saying "it's easy to fix you should start by doing [several easy things]" may help (if you know their situation well enough to know what the things are), but saying "it's really urgent" is likely to only make them feel more dejected about the problem.

This is the problem with, for instance, going up to people in the street and saying they should exercise more, even discounting that they may have some good reason for not doing so, or some good reason for not needing to, even if they WOULD like to, even if you're right, it's unlikely to be what they need to hear.

ETA: This was originally going to be a cartoon with a little whistling dude who didn't know he had a problem and a little "la la la" dude who didn't admit it and a little flailing dude who didn't know how to fix it. But it seemed too complicated for a cartoon :)

Comments

[seryn]

There've been a lot of people in my sphere of influence talking about how unsolicited advice is never good. I think it's hard to have regular conversations with people without mentioning how you've handled situations they are experiencing. But I've been told offering advice is universally condescending.

I've also been socially backward for a lot of my life. I'm much better now than I was, but some of it is that the bar has been lowered. So I often think I would have improved faster without the social barrier to useful advice.

[jack]

I'm sorry, I didn't want to add to a torrent of criticism. I assume those comments are a reaction to the fact of people commonly over-advising. I think that if you're already in a conversation with someone, or if you have some reason to suppose you do know the subject better than the other person, or if it's not intensely personal, or if you genuinely launch in with a polite query of "have you tried", then most people would say that it's probably helpful -- especially if it's SEVERAL of those.

But many people DO launch with unsolicited advice which IS intensely personal and IS to a complete stranger and is NOT part of a conversation and DON'T ask, just tell, and DON'T have any reason to suppose they know better. I'm not saying NEVER give advice, but perhaps, put in a second and a half of thought to "is this incredibly offensive". I'm sure YOU do, but many people don't, and many -- even well meaning people, including me -- do sometimes, or avoid it only with an effort.

[seryn]

No worries. I didn't take it as a criticism of me offering unsolicited advice. You wouldn't know. I can be incredibly irritating in person because I don't get a chance to edit after hearing how it sounded.

[jack]

I don't get a chance to edit after hearing how it sounded.

:)

(I'm one of the people who will believe if you say "how that sounded is not exactly how I meant it" that's exactly what you meant.)