Why am I so fucking stupid?

[jack]

I = me
U = utility company

U: bring, bring
U: I'm sorry, we are experiencing an unprecedented level of demand. Waiting times are likely to be extended. We recommend you call back tomorrow morning.
U: bring, bring
I: Uh, ballpark figure? Ten minutes? An hour? I'd actually be more likely to do it if you could tell me. You must know, you have n calls being serviced, and N waiting, and the average call length t, it's not hard.
U: *annoying hold music*
U: *fade out*
I: *look up hopefully*
U: *good hold music*
I: *look down sadly*
U: *stop mid-song*
I: Aha!
U: *We appreciate you waiting for us.*
U: *more hold music*
U: *fade out*
U: "Good afternoon! I'm Chloe, how can I help you?" is what you'll be hearing shortly (well, not that shortly) if you stay on the line.
U: *excruciating hold music*
I: *click*
I: Fuck.

T: *is tomorrow morning*
U: bring, bring
I: *sigh*
U: DO - YOU - KNOW - YOUR - ACCOUNT - NUMBER?
I: Bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep.
U: PLEASE - SAY - "YES" - FOR - YES. - AND - "NO" - FOR - NO.
I: Gah! YES.
U: WHAT - IS - YOUR - ACCOUNT - NUMBER?
I: Hey, I actually managed to have it here.
U: I'M - SORRY - I - DIDN'T - QUITE - CATCH - THAT.
I: For crying out loud, I have a keypad right here, wouldn't that be better than trying to use voice recognition?
U: OH - OK - THEN. - GO - AHEAD.
I: Really?
U: PSYCH!
I: Gah! Oh, one, two, three, four, five, etc,
U: THANK - YOU.
I: *thinks* Wow, it works. I'm actually impressed.
U: PLEASE - ENTER - YOUR - HOME - TELEPHONE - NUMBER - INCLUDING - AREA - CODE.
I: *thinks* That's actually a good idea. Except not knowing it is part of my problem.
I: 01223 000000
U: I'M - SORRY - I - DON'T - RECOGNISE - THAT - NUMBER. - IF - YOU - DON'T - REMEMBER - YOUR - NUMBER - ENTER - JUST - YOUR - LOCAL - AREA - CODE.
I: *thinks* Hey, that's quite clever. But why couldn't it say that the first time.
I: 01223
U: THANK - YOU.
U: CUSTOMER - SUPPORT - IS - OPEN - MONDAY - TO - FRIDAY - NINE - AM - TO - FIVE - PM. *CLICK*
I: Doh! I'm sure you said yesterday...

I: *waits*

I: *redials*
U: WHY - NOT - GO - TO - OUR - WEBSITE?
I: BECAUSE IT COULDN'T HELP AND TOLD ME TO RING THIS NUMBER, WHY DO YOU THINK?!
U: OPEN - A - WEB - BROWSER- SUCH - AS - MICROSOFT - TM - INTERNET EXPLORER - TM - AND TYPE - H - T - T - P - COLON - SLASH - SLASH - DOUBLEYOU - DOUBLEYOU - DOUBLEYOU - DOT -
I: Yes, the free, public bit of the internet works fine, thank you. It's *your* site that's buggered, though helpful in many ways.
U: - DOT - CO - DOT - U - K. - FROM - HERE - YOU - CAN...
I: Gah!
U: *hold music*
U: *click*
U: Hello. For a useless option designed to sell bad deals to gullible people and pad out the start of the list so you have to sit in hold longer, press 1.
U: For another, subtly different, option, press 2.
U: For an option which is related, but doesn't exactly describe your problem, press 3.
U: For an option which covers your problem but is so general it couldn't apply, press 4.
U: If you are confused by these options, please press 12345 to order a copy of "Low cardinal numbers for dummies"
Pedants in audience: ORDINALS
I: That was your first problem with this story?
U: For an option really quite approximating your problem, press 57.
I: Uh... 57. Thank you.
U: Mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble.
I: I'm sorry?
U: Mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble, mumble.
I: I'm more sorry?
U: I said, "I said 'Hello. I'm Chloe. Please enter your account number.'"
I: But... why did the phone menu want that except to give it to you?
U: I'm sorry?
I: Oh, one, two, three, four, five, etc.
U: Thank you. And your post code?
I: *postcode*
U: And the date of the last bill?
I: *sigh* I'm glad I have it.
U: And the most recent meter reading?
I: The one on the bill?
U: Duh.
I: *blah*
U: Thank you.
I: I'd like to ask something about my last bill.
U: Yes?
I: I can't help noticing on your previous bill...
U: Ah, well, I see, you didn't give us your name when you moved in, so we set up an account called 'new customer'. When you did, we cancelled that account and set up a new one that billed you since you moved in.
I: Well, that's not what I was asking, but it's actually a helpful explanation. Though -
U: Yes?
I: Why can't it say anywhere on the bill the period for which it is billing??
U: Oh, I guess that would be confusing.
I: Never mind.
U: And the last bill was high because we took an estimated reading, which we refunded.
I: Ah. But actually, what I wanted to check was that previously I had a "day" reading and a "night" reading, and now I just have two "normal" readings.
U: What?
I: Ditto.
U: What?
I: Ditto.
U: Please hold.
U: *silence*
I: God bless you.
U: Hello? Can you give me a meter reading?
I: From the bill??
U: Duh, no. From the meter.
I: Well, not *easily*. It's outside, in the rain, and I'm not dressed, and you're very lucky I'm not at work.
U: Are you sure?
I: Well, I was exagarating slightly because I didn't see why I had to. I already said the reading looks correct, THAT I don't have an issue with.
U: Did you?
I: Yes. I can't put *everything* in the transcript.
U: OK. Well, if you call back...
I: No, it's ok. If you hold on a moment...
U: OK.
I: *hums badly into phone while struggling into jeans.
I: *meter reading*
U: I'm sorry, I only need the first five digits.
I: Oh yes. I remember that, though I'm not sure why it's supposed to be obvious.
U: OK, there does seem to have been a problem with your account. It was listed as a normal meter, but actually is an economy thing.
I: I never understood why you couldn't just change my name on the "New customer" account.
U: But it will be taken care of shortly and we will send you an ammended bill.
I: Thank you. You've actually been very helpful.

This was a conflation of two companies I might as well not name. I even left out the but about their system being down all week so they can't help. It would have included:

U: No, we can't help you this week.
I: Is that even legal? Why don't you just have your system permanently down, then no-one could ever cancel their service?
U: Hey, that's a good idea! I'll pass it upwards!
I: NO! I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! NOOOOO.....!
U: *becomes AOL*
I: FUUUUUUCKING HELL! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck, fuck fuck.
Hugh grant: Hey, that's my bit.

Anyway, I do approve of automated menus in principal. HSBC lets you actually do stuff. Except that here you always end up talking to an operator eventually, so the menu seems a bit circular. And I love doing things on the internet because you don't have to wait, but it can't do everything. Still, it is quite like being in the future.

But the real question is why I let it upset me so much. I guess because I've put stuff off and pinned hopes on getting it sorted now, so little delays just complete the guilt and frustration?

Comments

[senji.livejournal.com]

Because utility companies are SOUL DESTROYING FAFF and MUST BE EX-TER-MIN-A-TED!

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

Of course[1]. But many things are soul destroying evil, only some make me scream like that.

[1] Since they're effective monopolies, and it's hard to switch, what have they to gain by being helpful?

[aldabra]

Giggle. I feel your pain. For a follow-up, would you like to phone NTL and ask them why they still haven't come and fixed the "temporary" bodge they did to my phone line in January?

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

I *did* phone NTL. I'd say never again, except they were the ones who couldn't do anything this week "As a measure to improve our service."

[aldabra]

Their system's down *again*? When I moved in here (August), the broadband didn't work and they couldn't do anything for TEN DAYS because the system was down. Hmm, and the phone didn't either, so it must have been September rather than January that they bodged it (with a coil of white wire running across the front garden) temporarily.

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

YES.

[captain-aj.livejournal.com]

Thanks, you just reminded me to phone BT about service to the new house ...
NTL: Never again.

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but the point is I'm sure all teleconglomerates are equally bad...

[edith-the-hutt.livejournal.com]

Automated menus are bad because they are a lower quality of service than could be provided which wastes your time, treats you like an imbicile, just so the company which you have provided money to can make a saving in customer service. They're basically a slap in the face insult from someone who knows you can't afford to change to a better service provider in the next five minutes.