Not-depression

[jack]

I still keep introspecting about what, if anything, is up with my brain. I recently had a bit of a slump in my current work project, several weeks of knowing what I needed to do and it was fairly simple, but not actually knuckling down to it. And that sort of spilled over to a general malaise. But, as best as I can tell from the inside, that's basically how I used to be *most* of the time. And when I have tasks I actually do achieve, I'm mostly fine, even more-content-than-average, maybe. But I don't know how to describe that -- it doesn't sound like depression as such, if I'm able to snap myself out of it *at all* -- but I feel like perennially feeling dispirited, whether or not it's just who I am, feels like a problem of *some* sort.

I should read over some of my old angst-y posts, I think my overall self-perception has become much, much less gloomy over time, but occasional bouts of introspection appear to be part of that.

Comments

[mtbc]

I wouldn't rule out depression just because it still lets you get some work done. Is it partly that you find your work boring or otherwise unattractive: it may just not be a good fit for your inclinations? When you're failing to work, are you distracted by some other kind of thought? Good luck anyway: at the very least, I'm very sure you're not alone in what you're experiencing so there may be good advice out there.

[jack]

Thank you to everyone who replied. It's really helpful just to talk it through.

It's really hard to judge how my work is compared to other work I don't have experience of. My best impression is that the work itself is reasonably good, I produce things that I'm satisfied by, I employ skills I enjoy[1]. It would probably be better if I was working on things I was directly excited about, but I think *most* people don't quite get to have that, even though it's superior.

I do think, if I was working on something more mechanical, where I had "turn up, work through X of these things, go home" with an objective measure of achievement and close supervision, I might be happier day-to-day, but I think that also involves work I would quickly find boring.

I think things have slowly improved as I've slowly gained some confidence that I'm not completely out of my depth, but that's been a slow shift. I think that *was* a significant problem for a long time, partly due to my own inclinations, partly due to being a bit unlucky with jobs where my manager wasn't willing to put in some extra effort to explain things I didn't know if I didn't push enough. But it's hard to say what's due to a particular company or field and what isn't.

[1] I'm so used to spotting times I do badly I need to remind myself when I'm doing something new and exercising more responsibility that it takes a little bit of learning curve is good and shows I'm levelling up, not that I just always struggle with everything.

(And good luck with any similar problems.)