Not-depression

[jack]

I still keep introspecting about what, if anything, is up with my brain. I recently had a bit of a slump in my current work project, several weeks of knowing what I needed to do and it was fairly simple, but not actually knuckling down to it. And that sort of spilled over to a general malaise. But, as best as I can tell from the inside, that's basically how I used to be *most* of the time. And when I have tasks I actually do achieve, I'm mostly fine, even more-content-than-average, maybe. But I don't know how to describe that -- it doesn't sound like depression as such, if I'm able to snap myself out of it *at all* -- but I feel like perennially feeling dispirited, whether or not it's just who I am, feels like a problem of *some* sort.

I should read over some of my old angst-y posts, I think my overall self-perception has become much, much less gloomy over time, but occasional bouts of introspection appear to be part of that.

Comments

[mtbc]

I wouldn't rule out depression just because it still lets you get some work done. Is it partly that you find your work boring or otherwise unattractive: it may just not be a good fit for your inclinations? When you're failing to work, are you distracted by some other kind of thought? Good luck anyway: at the very least, I'm very sure you're not alone in what you're experiencing so there may be good advice out there.

[jack]

Thank you to everyone who replied. It's really helpful just to talk it through.

It's really hard to judge how my work is compared to other work I don't have experience of. My best impression is that the work itself is reasonably good, I produce things that I'm satisfied by, I employ skills I enjoy[1]. It would probably be better if I was working on things I was directly excited about, but I think *most* people don't quite get to have that, even though it's superior.

I do think, if I was working on something more mechanical, where I had "turn up, work through X of these things, go home" with an objective measure of achievement and close supervision, I might be happier day-to-day, but I think that also involves work I would quickly find boring.

I think things have slowly improved as I've slowly gained some confidence that I'm not completely out of my depth, but that's been a slow shift. I think that *was* a significant problem for a long time, partly due to my own inclinations, partly due to being a bit unlucky with jobs where my manager wasn't willing to put in some extra effort to explain things I didn't know if I didn't push enough. But it's hard to say what's due to a particular company or field and what isn't.

[1] I'm so used to spotting times I do badly I need to remind myself when I'm doing something new and exercising more responsibility that it takes a little bit of learning curve is good and shows I'm levelling up, not that I just always struggle with everything.

(And good luck with any similar problems.)

[syderia]

Procrastination can be one of the symptoms of depression. So can feeling like you're going to be in that slump forever. (Sometimes it's just that work is boring, but it's worth looking at.)
To try and gain perspective in cases like this, I've used iMood Journal (which allows you to track your mood at different points of the day, and to assign tags to it, so you can figure out if there are worthwhile correlation), and the PHQ-9 questionnaire.

[jack]

Ah, thank you! That's v helpful.

ETA: I'm *pretty* sure my problem is having a slump which did last forever (well, until now), not having a temporary slump that feels permanent. Obviously I can't be certain from the inside.

[fluffymormegil]

To me, "perennially feeling dispirited" sounds pretty much exactly like depression!

[kaberett]

Yup. Are you familiar with the term "dysthimia"? It might be Relevant To Your (Dis)Interests.

[mtbc]

Interesting, it's a new term to me, and useful.

[kaberett]

Oh good! May it continue so.

[jack]

Ah, thank you! No, I wasn't. That does sound relevant.

Although reading about it, I still get a lot of "are you experiencing lowered X" type questions, where my problem is that I feel like something has ALWAYS been low, but I don't have a baseline to compare it to, so maybe that's just normal.

[kaberett]

Ha, yes, the Delights Of Chronic Depression.

I am entirely willing to believe you have long-term Malaise such that you don't have a useful baseline; certainly that was the case for me & the ~major depressive disorder~.

[jack]

*sympathy* Yes, that.