How to stop people viewing your website
Mar. 24th, 2014 08:59 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jackStep 1
Spread news about your website by word of mouth, but prevent your front page from telling anyone what your website is about, why it might help them, or what's cool about it. If you let people find out the secrets, they might visit your website, view your ads, or spend money on your merchandise!
Maybe you have a webcomic about a group of characters. Or a website that sells awesome T-Shirts. Or a website that can save people from procrastination. But you're scared that people might find that out casually without showing the proper level of dedication, whether or not they think the latest instalment of ongoing relationship-drama and plot-critical reveals is fascinating before they
Avoid "about" pages! Keep "help" and "cast" pages to a minimum -- if you try, it's surprisingly easy to write a cast page which is funny to people who already know the characters, but does almost nothing to help new readers understand which character is which, or what the salient facts they need to know to understand the strip are.
HANDY TIP: Did you know, the more people visit your website, the more bandwidth you may have to pay for?
Step 2
Disaster! Some overzealous intern put an "about" page on your website, and you've run out of meaningless jargon to fill it with. Is it too late?
No! Do you want something guaranteed to drive people away at the last minute? Do you hate most of humanity, especially including, but not limited to:
* Busy people, such as journalist and high-profile bloggers
* People with day jobs
* People with young children
* People who are blind or partially sighted
* People who are deaf or hard of hearing
* People who use popular automated search engines such as google to find your website
* People in libraries
One simple tool can ensure that most of these people are prevented from seeing what makes your webpage awesome, unless they're TRULY DEDICATED to it:
Video.
HANDY TIP: The more people who give you money, the more taxes you have to pay! In extreme cases, people giving you money can give rises to feelings of giddiness or euphoria.
HANDY TIP: You can hide the content equally well with less effort by claiming that there is a video, but it doesn't play in the user's region. If they find out that's actually ALL regions, what can they do?
Step 3
That will drive away all but the most dedicated browser. But are you worried it's not enough? Would you like to combine the previous steps into a universal one-size-fits all solution? Maybe you're concerned you have too many "regulars" who feel entitled to your webpage, without really contributing anything, and want to winnow them out a bit?
Is there any way of hiding ALL the content on your website?
Yes! There is a secret of an ancient weapon from shortly after the dawn of time, passed down from webmaster to webmaster, which is nearly 100% effective at content-protection. Many sites have hidden themselves from the largest panoptica such as google entirely.
The secret which people dread to dare is: Macromedia Flash, feared by web author and reader alike.
INTERMEDIATE TIP: Don't be afraid to experiment with other rich content platforms. Obsolete versions of Java, and poorly designed unpopular niche digital rights management spyware can be even more effective, and hide content so it's literally unrecoverable, even to hardened "flash"ers. But many of these choices increase the burden of development, and can be hard to justify if there are any user-sympathisers in your organisation. Flash is a classic for a reason.
ADVANCED TIP: For that all-round contempt of your users, install a trojan on their computer! Only for the brave.
Step 4
Pah, bait and switch is for the unambitious! Is there any way my website can be EVEN WORSE than no content? I actively hate u=humanity, and some days it's like that feeling just isn't reciprocated enough.
Yes, of course! Try these handy suggestions:
* Drag the registration process out as long as possible, before admitting your website doesn't have any useful content.
* Before purging the content from your website, get a promising sounding few sentences into the google summary. Make sure to cut it off before giving any hint what the useful part was!
* More and more browsers are dropping support for the blink tag. Remember, you can achieve much the same level of hatred by using an animated gif. It also prevents users seeing the text by selecting it. Make sure it loads slowly so the user has to wait for the whole page to render before seeing what it says!
* Attention to detail! A user always can check the link text to see where a link goes. But many don't bother. Carefully avoid useful text in link targets or descriptions. URL shorteners are a godsend -- if you leave them long enough they will eventually break. And the user can never be sure if this link is the one where they lose the goatse roulette.
* Revenge is a dish best served cold. Play the long game. Be reliable until users trust you with their irreplaceable data, and then lose it suddenly. Or begin silently corrupting it -- if you plead ignorance, you can spin the process out for years, tempting users back for one more bite of the loser cherry.
ADVANCED TIP: If you act stupid enough, you can be really malicious before people finally catch on.
ADVANCED TIP: Learn from the experts! Governments and large corporations can enhance the damage done through each others' leaks.
SAFETY TIP: Make sure your data obfuscation extends to your home address before you push users too far.
Step 5
But seriously, even that may not be enough. Even if people can't see your content, they may find it, and have some idea what they're missing.
To make your content truly obscure, question your basic assumptions. Eschew the web entirely, and use a text-based system such a newsgroup (now paralysed by google) or a mailing list (people may not even join up!)
HANDY TIP: Paper newsletters are still possible! Avoid them if the people you want to hide the content from are geographically proximate to you, but if you want to hide the content from people on other continents, "taped to a window in my building" is a pretty good place to put it!
TL;DR
Your front page should link to an "about" page that explains what your website is. In text.
Webcomics: link to a strip that's a reasonable place to start reading.
Companies: explain what someone might want to buy. If you market to individuals and companies smaller than fifty people, swallow your pride and admit how much it costs (even in general terms, if I know it's £10-£1000, I can guess where I might fit, and you still have a chance to negotiate. If you don't say, I'll just pass on).
Also: I hate video! Video is hard to consume. If you don't have the time to edit your video to a form I can see, fair enough, but don't pretend you're doing me a favour. If you don't want to read your website, fine, but try to put "eff off, we hate people" on the front page, don't make me click through several links first to find out.
Spread news about your website by word of mouth, but prevent your front page from telling anyone what your website is about, why it might help them, or what's cool about it. If you let people find out the secrets, they might visit your website, view your ads, or spend money on your merchandise!
Maybe you have a webcomic about a group of characters. Or a website that sells awesome T-Shirts. Or a website that can save people from procrastination. But you're scared that people might find that out casually without showing the proper level of dedication, whether or not they think the latest instalment of ongoing relationship-drama and plot-critical reveals is fascinating before they
Avoid "about" pages! Keep "help" and "cast" pages to a minimum -- if you try, it's surprisingly easy to write a cast page which is funny to people who already know the characters, but does almost nothing to help new readers understand which character is which, or what the salient facts they need to know to understand the strip are.
HANDY TIP: Did you know, the more people visit your website, the more bandwidth you may have to pay for?
Step 2
Disaster! Some overzealous intern put an "about" page on your website, and you've run out of meaningless jargon to fill it with. Is it too late?
No! Do you want something guaranteed to drive people away at the last minute? Do you hate most of humanity, especially including, but not limited to:
* Busy people, such as journalist and high-profile bloggers
* People with day jobs
* People with young children
* People who are blind or partially sighted
* People who are deaf or hard of hearing
* People who use popular automated search engines such as google to find your website
* People in libraries
One simple tool can ensure that most of these people are prevented from seeing what makes your webpage awesome, unless they're TRULY DEDICATED to it:
Video.
HANDY TIP: The more people who give you money, the more taxes you have to pay! In extreme cases, people giving you money can give rises to feelings of giddiness or euphoria.
HANDY TIP: You can hide the content equally well with less effort by claiming that there is a video, but it doesn't play in the user's region. If they find out that's actually ALL regions, what can they do?
Step 3
That will drive away all but the most dedicated browser. But are you worried it's not enough? Would you like to combine the previous steps into a universal one-size-fits all solution? Maybe you're concerned you have too many "regulars" who feel entitled to your webpage, without really contributing anything, and want to winnow them out a bit?
Is there any way of hiding ALL the content on your website?
Yes! There is a secret of an ancient weapon from shortly after the dawn of time, passed down from webmaster to webmaster, which is nearly 100% effective at content-protection. Many sites have hidden themselves from the largest panoptica such as google entirely.
The secret which people dread to dare is: Macromedia Flash, feared by web author and reader alike.
INTERMEDIATE TIP: Don't be afraid to experiment with other rich content platforms. Obsolete versions of Java, and poorly designed unpopular niche digital rights management spyware can be even more effective, and hide content so it's literally unrecoverable, even to hardened "flash"ers. But many of these choices increase the burden of development, and can be hard to justify if there are any user-sympathisers in your organisation. Flash is a classic for a reason.
ADVANCED TIP: For that all-round contempt of your users, install a trojan on their computer! Only for the brave.
Step 4
Pah, bait and switch is for the unambitious! Is there any way my website can be EVEN WORSE than no content? I actively hate u=humanity, and some days it's like that feeling just isn't reciprocated enough.
Yes, of course! Try these handy suggestions:
* Drag the registration process out as long as possible, before admitting your website doesn't have any useful content.
* Before purging the content from your website, get a promising sounding few sentences into the google summary. Make sure to cut it off before giving any hint what the useful part was!
* More and more browsers are dropping support for the blink tag. Remember, you can achieve much the same level of hatred by using an animated gif. It also prevents users seeing the text by selecting it. Make sure it loads slowly so the user has to wait for the whole page to render before seeing what it says!
* Attention to detail! A user always can check the link text to see where a link goes. But many don't bother. Carefully avoid useful text in link targets or descriptions. URL shorteners are a godsend -- if you leave them long enough they will eventually break. And the user can never be sure if this link is the one where they lose the goatse roulette.
* Revenge is a dish best served cold. Play the long game. Be reliable until users trust you with their irreplaceable data, and then lose it suddenly. Or begin silently corrupting it -- if you plead ignorance, you can spin the process out for years, tempting users back for one more bite of the loser cherry.
ADVANCED TIP: If you act stupid enough, you can be really malicious before people finally catch on.
ADVANCED TIP: Learn from the experts! Governments and large corporations can enhance the damage done through each others' leaks.
SAFETY TIP: Make sure your data obfuscation extends to your home address before you push users too far.
Step 5
But seriously, even that may not be enough. Even if people can't see your content, they may find it, and have some idea what they're missing.
To make your content truly obscure, question your basic assumptions. Eschew the web entirely, and use a text-based system such a newsgroup (now paralysed by google) or a mailing list (people may not even join up!)
HANDY TIP: Paper newsletters are still possible! Avoid them if the people you want to hide the content from are geographically proximate to you, but if you want to hide the content from people on other continents, "taped to a window in my building" is a pretty good place to put it!
TL;DR
Your front page should link to an "about" page that explains what your website is. In text.
Webcomics: link to a strip that's a reasonable place to start reading.
Companies: explain what someone might want to buy. If you market to individuals and companies smaller than fifty people, swallow your pride and admit how much it costs (even in general terms, if I know it's £10-£1000, I can guess where I might fit, and you still have a chance to negotiate. If you don't say, I'll just pass on).
Also: I hate video! Video is hard to consume. If you don't have the time to edit your video to a form I can see, fair enough, but don't pretend you're doing me a favour. If you don't want to read your website, fine, but try to put "eff off, we hate people" on the front page, don't make me click through several links first to find out.
no subject
Date: 2014-03-25 05:58 am (UTC)I completely agree about the pricing. If I have to ask, I can't afford it. Where "it" is the egocentric attitude of a company that can't disclose basic information. (Also, bargaining is all about privilege... it means some people get better prices and there really isn't a way to include yourself in that group. You're either part of it already or you're obviously not welcome... that's the whole point of bargaining, to make some people feel excluded and disliked so your group can get its kicks for being the in-crowd.)
Flash for content is probably the worst thing to ever occur in web design just because it completely breaks the point of the internet. (I like it fine for games though... ) Every time I encounter a site built entirely in Flash without any text for people without the plugin or who happen to be using mobiles, I remember the phrase, "All flash and no substance." I think they named the product wisely.
no subject
Date: 2014-03-26 12:38 pm (UTC)