jack

This sounds like a simple prompt but turned out surprisingly deep and a
good question.

I can often be a bit oblivious and stubborn. I never had any especially
strong preferences for clothes when I was young, and when I was at school I
was self-aware enough to resent the idea of copying what everyone else wore
because you were "supposed" to do that, but not self-aware enough to either
deliberately cultivate my own choices, or say "what's the harm in fitting
in, a little". If anything, I actively resisted fitting in, because I
wasn't sure I could do it perfectly, which wasn't really a good idea. And
lots of people helped in various ways, but I never really knew what I
wanted.

By university, I defaulted to jeans-and-T-shirt style, except often with
trousers-and-shirt instead. I think I had a subconscious impression that I
wanted to make an effort _somehow_, but I wasn't sure I could find anything
that looked good in an undefinable way, so I ended up just dressing
slightly more formally than I might otherwise have. Likewise, like many
geeks, I really liked formal wear, and LARP gear, and so on; my theory is
that's because it's possible to do not-very-effectively, but at least you
look *interesting*. Maybe this is where the scruffy academic stereotype
comes from? :)

But over time, other people's prior efforts began to sink in, and I started
actively choosing clothes I thought at least looked and felt ok --
generally trousers and shirts, or dark jeans. I let go of the idea that
"really good" was some mythic indefinable property I'd never understand,
and started to think of it more as what you got when you mixed a small
dollop of taste with a large effort to avoid all the small and large ways
something _didn't_ work. If relatives asked for presents, I started
explicitly asking for what had happened before, of buying me some nice
shirts that worked fairly well without me having to go looking for them --
having that just work without me having to put myself through shopping was
a very good present.

Last year, I got fed up of not really knowing how to get decent shirts, and
forced myself through the stressful process of bulldozing my way through
the bullshit that is clothes marketing, which was temporarily stressful,
but in about one afternoon I about figured it out, so I shouldn't have
worried so much, even though I still don't understand why they can't just
TELL you how clothes are sized. I turned out what I usually wear is more
like low-end dress shirts not high-end casual shirts, and dress shirts
actually come in different neck sizes so you can get ones that fit. My
shirts were very often too tight in the collar, and I was embarrassed to
actually tackle the problem systematically as a thing to be solved, rather
than feeling guilty that my neck wasn't the "approved" size of a
population-average man and it was probably my fault. But I found by trying
a few on, that getting a collar sized to my neck and a correspondingly slim
rest-of-shirt fit fairly well, and looked out all the shirts I could find
that had colours I actually liked. And I still don't have confidence that
my clothes are actually non-laughable to anyone else, but after spending
one hard-work afternoon trawling shops, I was proud of myself for getting a
reasonable selection I actually liked, could be worn with top button
fastened or unfastened, could get rid of all the too-old ones, and could
feel fairly good about having something I could actually feel pleased to
put on every day. Thank you ever so much to Mum and Liv for helping me
through it!

The other thing I persuaded myself of is that it's ok to go from shop to
shop looking for something that actually fits. And sometimes there actually
isn't anything that fits, and that's just ok, I shouldn't feel like a jerk
for messing up all the merchandise, and I shouldn't feel guilty I'm the
wrong shape, and I shouldn't feel like I'm insulting their competence if
they have something with what I think is the right size on but it still
doesn't seem right. This should have been really obvious in advance, but
somehow it wasn't, I just felt like everyone else coped with it but I was
doing it wrong :)

The other thing I should mention is T-shirts with slogans on. Which are the
default signifier of lots of my social groups. And I generally like, but I
never really felt enthused about doing it myself -- I wasn't sure there was
any message or slogan I'd want to go *on* endorsing for the whole life of a
T-shirt (especially if I forgot I was wearing it and accidentally went
around endorsing it at people when I didn't mean to).

I always feel a little bit inadequate. It felt to me like most people in a
geeky t-shirt and jeans exude competence, even if they just threw on
whatever old clothes they had, but I always look a mess whatever I wear.

But recently, one dear friend mentioned that the way I dressed was
something they admired about me, and I was really flattered, because I'd
always consigned "fashion" as one of those things I never expected to be
able to do AT ALL. But maybe a sustained effort of becoming more awesome is
slowly paying off, go me!

This year, I'm thinking it may actually be worth going to an online tailor
and getting some trousers and shirts made to fit. My shirts fit better, but
the sleeves are still too long, and the bodies are baggy in the wrong
places. And I'm not sure about my trousers, they always seem to be slipping
down, and I'm starting to think that's not just inevitable, but they need
to have a larger waist, without being over-large everywhere else, and if
they fit better, they'd actually look better. I'm not sure if I actually
will, but it seems like the benefits in saved-hassle may well be worth it
(any recommendations?)

But I keep having to squash feelings that I'm somehow cheating, or getting
above myself, by even considering what I wear. That it's ok to dress how I
like, or how I'd like to be seen, and people won't automatically laugh at
me if I try and aren't perfect in every way :)