When something goes wrong, why does my brain...

[jack]

When something goes wrong, why does my brain immediately blame me, and then get resentful about being blamed? How do I stop it doing that?

Comments

[kaberett]

IME the answer is not to try to stop it, but to compassionately pay it some attention and tell it it is Good and then move on. So: "huh, yep, reflexively blaming myself, I do that because [it helps me feel safe] because of [irrelevant situation]. But [irrelevant situation] doesn't apply, so no wonder I'm unhappy about being mean to myself -- but the being-mean is trying its best to keep us safe, so thank you, mean, we're aware of the problem, we can take it from here." Script adapted to suit you, but much as I hate it this... really does seem to work.

[obandsoller]

Yeah. I think if it's a thing you always do, and do instinctively, then it's going to be really hard to change it. Working out how to deal with it is likely to be easier. Whether it's by a script like this or something else.

[jack]

*hugs* Thank you, that actually sounds really good advice. (And sympathy for you: I hate it much less than I expected, so that's an unexpected plus, but that does sound really aggravating)

[kaberett]

<3 This is some of what I meant when I was talking, the other week, about it being okay to resent the shit out of therapy ("I'm alREADY too aware of my feelings, that's the PROBLEM, what do you MEAN it'll help to pay more attention to them") buuuuut there's a lot of good evidence (which I'll dig up if you like!) that this kind of emotional validation is a really effective tool!

[rysmiel]

That sounds like it might be quite helpful to me, though I can see how it would be difficult. Thank you. *hug if apt*

[syderia]

I find CBT-inspired tools (through apps such as MoodTools or Woebot) to be useful to reframe things in cases like this.

[jack]

Ah, right. Good suggestion, thank you!