Susan's bike is cuddly, or, Jack and Phoebe's adventures in Hacksaw Land (which is a state of mind)

[jack]

I met bachlover for Dojo's again, and when I got back to my bike, the key wouldn't turn. I immediately formed several hypotheses, Watson, where ennumerate as follows:

(1) I was turning it the wrong way
(2) I had wandered into an alternate cambridge where my key was very slightly different
(3) I was trying to unlock the wrong bike
(4) Someone had damaged the lock trying to pick it
(5) Someone had damaged the lock our of spite
(6) Someone had damaged the lock out of a cunning campaign to pursuade people it's better to leave your bike unlocked and have it stolen occasionally than have it be buggered every time.
(7) Someone had damaged the lock intending to come back with a hacksaw later.

I quickly eliminated (2) and (6) as implausible, (1) and (3) by inspection, (7) by hope, and concluded (4) or (5) meant I was stuck.

I wandered over to the Carlton, where Susan gallantly offered to lend me her emergency bike, and maybe provide fortifying alchoholic chocalte liquid stuff.

As promised, this was very pink-and-white, very rickety, somewhat flat and had worn brakes. The chain came off about 5 times in the first two hundred yards, but then we reached an accomodation, and it got me safely home with no incident. It's quite restful to cycle slowly for once, and concentrate on how it's faster than walking not slower than instant, and do some plotting (Got a Big Bad :)). I decided it was a bike with some character, a la Phaeton in Robert Rankin.

Today I cycled into town before work, bought a hacksaw, and vented myself on my old lock. It doesn't take very long at all. As a precaution I took the receipt and manual for the bike, but no-one challenged me, except for one boy who said "That looks rather illegal," to which I responded "It does, doesn't it?"

I suppose it's a bad risk to steal a bike in broad daylight if only because the owner might come back, but still I wanted to grab people to shake them and say "Look at me! Ask me if this bike is mine, or something, won't you? I could be stealing it" OTOH, that might give the wrong idea.

Spookily, Mair also had to do this today.

Comments

[simont]

As promised, this was very pink-and-white, very rickety, somewhat flat and had worn brakes.

The alcoholic chocolate liquid stuff?!

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

This surprised me, but when the chain come off, I was *astonished*!

[simont]

Oh, and Phaeton is in Good Omens. You're thinking of Marchant, I think.

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

Oops. Well, either would work :)

[mair_in_grenderich]

The chain came off about 5 times in the first two hundred yards, but then we reached an accomodation,

Sounds rather cryptonomicon-ish ...

My landlord attacked mine with a hacksaw on Monday, and we quickly decided it wasn't going through. Tuesday and Wednesday I did work, or something. Yesterday I noticed that a local shop hire (or is it I who hires them? In which case what does the shop do?) angle grinders, and went in to ask, but they thought I looked too girly, or something, and sent me off to look for bolt cutters instead - which I got around to today.

Last time I locked a bike up and lost the key, a friend borrowed an angle grinder from the engineering department.

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

Sounds rather cryptonomicon-ish ...

I thought about that. I decided it would be a gratuitous addition -- though funnily enough I was trying to make bachlover read it when we were in borders.

Yesterday I noticed that a local shop hire (or is it I who hires them? In which case what does the shop do?) angle grinders, and went in to ask, but they thought I looked too girly, or something, and sent me off to look for bolt cutters instead - which I got around to today.

I wasn't sure what was going to be necessary, and without embarassment asked the advice of the people in the hardware store ("I'm sorry sir, this is a coke store"), who confirmed 'hacksaw' as a good option, though it wasn't an especially hefty lock.

If I had required more outlay than a few quid for something that might be useful again, I might have solicited lending.

[edith-the-hutt.livejournal.com]

I recently locked my bike to someone elses at the train station and was presented with the remains of my old lock by the Station Cycles people. I was so impressed that they decided my lock required an angle grinder that I bought a chain from the same brand. Unfortunetally said chain has decided to not unlock on me, providing a nice 2kg artistic addition to my crossbar and requiring me to buy another D-lock.

Reading the literature from my chain I suspect a hack-saw would be faced with the slight problem that the chain is probably made from harder steel than the saw. I'm reliably informed bolt cutters won't go through this thing either. So it looks as if this 2kg artistic addition is here to stay...

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

I recently locked my bike to someone elses at the train station

By accident?

was so impressed that they decided my lock required an angle grinder that I bought a chain from the same brand.

LOL.

Reading the literature from my chain I suspect a hack-saw would be faced with the slight problem that the chain is probably made from harder steel than the saw. . I'm reliably informed bolt cutters won't go through this thing either. So it looks as if this 2kg artistic addition is here to stay...

Oh dear. Well, it can be a bondage-gimp chain-sporting bike, then...

OTOH, something must cut it; might someone with a Bad Ass Saw (TM) be able to do it for the yarning factor?

[mair_in_grenderich]

bolt cutters didn't go through the chain on mine, but they went through the padlock easily enough - is that a possiblity?

[edith-the-hutt.livejournal.com]

The lock is built into the chain and is surrounded by some quite impressive shielding. Indeed it's the lock that's causing the problems. I'm hoping that whatever's caused it to break will cause it to unbreak again. Otherwise I sall be very carefully cutting around the lock because I kind of like the chain.

[mair_in_grenderich]

The key stuck on mine once. We applied a bit of oil, my uncle applied lots of brute force, and lo and behold, a bent but working key and unlocked lock. It carried on working fine for ages after that, so I don't know just what had happened, unless it was "someone fiddling with the lock" as hypothesised above. except it can't have been, because the chain wasn't locked to the bike at the time.

lo, it will never work again now, for I have lost it )-:

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

because the chain wasn't locked to the bike at the time.

Hmmm. Never underestimate the stupidity of criminals.

We applied a bit of oil, my uncle applied lots of brute force, and lo and behold, a bent but working key and unlocked lock.

That was my other thought: maybe natural entropy, or abnormally cold water, or micropebbles, or something had warped/got into the lock and I should try to force the key round. I don't know.

[mair_in_grenderich]

you mean a criminal broke into my house, dug out my bicycle chain, fiddled with it, and then left my house again leaving the chain and all my belongings behind? :)

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

You didn't say it was inside (though that would be most likely). I wasn't seriously suggesting either, but I'm sure even that wouldn't be the *stupidest* thing a criminal's done :)

[simont]

I agree :-)

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, that is priceless!

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

Or take it back to cambridge cycles with a doleful look and say "It happened again" ;)

[ilanin.livejournal.com]

Hmm. You know, that last paragraph is blatant MatSci-bait...

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

That's what I was trying to say. If, from one point of view, it's a problem, from another point of view, it's a challange, an irresistanble taunt to the malehood of someone with a Really Big Saw, who should be unable to rest until it's cleaved in twain.

In other words, it belongs to the subset of problems where brute force *is* a solution.

Remember, the chinese word for "problem" is the same as the chinese word for "I need a bigger angle-grinder."

[ilanin.livejournal.com]

Nah, I have no intent of using brute force whatsoever. I would want to find the method that uses the least possible force to break it. Which probably involves a freezer.

[edith-the-hutt.livejournal.com]

Please note that I want the cross-bar and brake-cables it's wrapped around in-tact. There's about 20cm of slack to work with.

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

If you want *minimum* force, wouldn't you need to try picking the lock first?

[edith-the-hutt.livejournal.com]

Don't work, the key bit is fine, it just won't pull open the catches which are holding the chain together enough.

[feanelwa.livejournal.com]

Can you post a photo?

Edith's bike is the new Puzzledonkey, dahling.

[mair_in_grenderich]

liquid nitrogen?

[ilanin.livejournal.com]

Shouldn't be necessary. The ductile-brittle transition in most steels is about zero; -196 is overkill.

[mair_in_grenderich]

but fun!

[senji.livejournal.com]

Liquid N₂ has the advantage of being man-portable, however.

[edith-the-hutt.livejournal.com]

Hmmm... what kind of MatSci. If it's MatSci's wielding pedantry and scientific technicalities then I'm not sure I'm keen. On the other hand if it's MatSci's wielding Thermite and power tools then I'm more than happy :).

[feanelwa.livejournal.com]

What brand was it?

Once I returned to my bicycle to find somebody had had a go at the D-lock with bolt cutters or possibly a hacksaw; the plastic on the outside of the lock was broken through, and there was a small scratch on the metal inside. They needn't have bothered; you can unlock it with a fairly simple metal construction and a lot of bashing to break the rust off.

[emperor]

N2(l) to thermally shock it?

[edith-the-hutt.livejournal.com]

I'm more in favour of a Thermite orientated temperature-based solution.

[icantcarenemore.livejournal.com]

I have in fact broken a key (a fragile partly plastic one) by attempting to unlock my bike. It was only afterwards I realised it has two seperate tumbler-like turning thingies that were out of alignment, and the top one would not turn without the top one turning too. I can't imagine what purpose this serves, but it must be similar to applying a fragile plastic case to a metal pole and then pretend it's the users fault when it snaps in half along the hastily glued seam.
It is *not* possible to apply enough force without the case =P

[senji.livejournal.com]

We did it with a fuck-off-large screwdriver I borrowed from my college's porter's lodge.

In the middle of Market Square.

And noöne said anything.

[feanelwa.livejournal.com]

If it reassures you, once I was walking down Mill Lane and noticed a bicycle with its back light turned on, so I stopped and turned it off to save at least the batteries of the idiot who had left their lights on their bike when they parked, and somebody asked me what I was doing to that bike. (It might have been the owner though.)

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

I suppose so. Though it must have been awkward then.

I had a upliftinger story about doing that: outside tesco's there was a bike with the back light left on, and I fiddled with the switch and nothing happened, and someone passing said "I already tried that, and it doesn't work." :)