Conversation with a treadmill

[jack]

Jack: Dear Treadmill, you have two jobs.
Treadmill: OK! I am ready to serve!
Jack: Job #1: be out of the rain!
Treadmill: I can handle that! I go faster and faster and faster, but somehow I always end up in the same place.
Jack: Thank you.
Treadmill: Yay!
Jack: And job #2: go at a particular speed.
Treadmill: I can do that, that's easy!
Jack: OK, go at 8kph to start with.
Treammill: What?
Jack: 8 kph. 5 mph. 2m/s. Go!
Treadmill: What, I don't know. Is that faster than stopped or slower than stopped?
Jack: Faster!
Treadmill: OK, 0.5 kph. Is it faster than that?
Jack: Yes!
Treadmill: OK, how about 1 kph. Is it faster than that?
Jack: Yes, lots faster!
Treadmill: OK, how about 2 kph. Or 3 kph. Is that better?
Jack: Yes, but keep going. I can't run this slowly!
Treadmill: OK. 4. 5. 6.
Jack: Great.
Treadmill: 6. 7.
Jack: OK, nearly there.
Treadmill: eightnineteneleventwelve.
Jack: Agh, stop!
Treadmill: 12.
Jack: Go back!
Treadmill: eleventennineeightsevensix.
Jack: Agh, not so far, the other way.
Treadmill: eightnineten.
Jack: Wait, wait, wait.
Treadmill: OK, 10.
Jack: Slower than that.
Treadmill: 9.9?
Jack: Slower than that.
Treadmill: 9.5?
Jack: Slower than that.
Treadmill: 9.0?
Jack: Slower than that.
Treadmill: Eight-point-five-eight-seven-point-five-sev-
Jack: Whoah!
Treadmill: Seven point five?
Jack: Up a little.
Treadmill: Seven point seven?
Jack: Up a little.
Treadmill: Seven point nine?
Jack: Up a little.
Treadmill: Eight?
Jack: Yes! Now stay there for 28 minutes.
Treadmill: Why 28?
Jack: You had TWO jobs. Everywhere else in the world EXCEPT a treadmill I can run "a little faster than this". Why can't my treadmill do "pick a particular speed and stay there". (I'd also love "choose two speeds and alternate between them, no, seriously, even if I touch the screen NEAR that point, don't accidentally forget one of my speeds and replace it with something twice as fast" but I've given up hope on that one.) It has a WHOLE touch screen for badly-implemented games, TV, internet-with-no-social-networking-sites, etc. Why do you have to set the speed solely with PLUS and MINUS buttons that go straight from "sluggish" to "way too much inertia"?
Treadmill: :(

Comments

[naath]

I've generally got to grips with the treadmills I usually use, although the way that touch screens are hideously unreliable is very irritating.

The thing though that most annoys me is *how long it takes to stop*. No, when I say "stop" or "pause" I want you to STOP NOW you stupid machine. Don't give me 30s of gradually slowing. STOP NOW.

[fluffymormegil]

It seems to me that providing "STOP NOW" as a routine-use behaviour is probably both deleterious to the lifespan of the machinery and hazardous to the health and dignity of the operator.

[mathcathy]

Sounds like you found a rogue treadmill there.

[jack]

Pretty much, but I'm fairly sure it's how they're all designed, not something broken in all the machines in the gym. I exaggerated a little: I know I could operate it better if my intuition worked more in line with the algorithm, but I feel like I shouldn't have to. AFAICT it doesn't have a "enter a speed" option, just "go faster" and "go slower", and if you hold those down, they first go up in 0.1kph, then start going up fairly fast in 0.5kph, so I always overshoot, come back down, and then have to go up one 0.1kph at a time. If I wasn't so particular at running at a particular speed it wouldn't be as much of a problem.

[mathcathy]

I use two gyms fairly regularly. One has an enter a speed option. The other allows you to customise your speeds at the beginning - so you can enter a schedule - 5 mins 10kph, 2 mins 7kph etc.

I've also seen gyms where you can enter up to three specific speeds and then flick between them at will.

There are many treadmills which have levers on the arms which you can use to change the speed and those go 0.1 at a time consistently.

As I said: you picked a bad treadmill.

[jack]

I've also seen gyms where you can enter up to three specific speeds and then flick between them at will.

Yes, that would be perfect!

[mathcathy]

I know!! I liked that gym's treadmills the best.

[jack]

Next time I switch gyms I'll check what the treadmills are like, but most probably I won't have a choice if I continue to prioritise finding somewhere on the way to work.