Self-monitoring

[jack]

It occurs to me, that if I'm getting stressed by a situation, I feel compelled not to let that out in public, which is a very laudable aim, but typically backfires. Since I feel I can't show any stress until I have to, it means (i) I subconsciously want to boil over just a little earlier as a way to stop getting loaded with more stress and (ii) I've no way to escape until I totally implode.

I think it partly comes from socially-unaware and perfectionist tendencies: if you tend to equate any form of failure with "I might as well not bother", you subconsciously assume it's better to hold on as long as possible in the hope that you get through without any failure. Whereas for normal people, admitting a small failure now is better than holding on five more minutes and then imploding :)

Rather than going on thinking "I'm fine, I can hold on longer", it would be more useful if I could recognise when I was shortly going to run out of reserve, and get out somehow earlier. That might be rude, but presumably better than waiting till I implode. But I don't really have any practice at actually doing so, as I only just found the words to explain what I think was going on.

Comments

[ptc24]

Is there a dynamic here like the ski-rental problem?

Also, is there a fundamental unpredictability of showing stress? Does working out that you're definitely going to show stress before it all becomes irrelevant precipitate stress right then, such that you just can't get long periods of I know I'm going to show it, just not yet?

[jack]

Is there a dynamic here like the ski-rental problem?

Oh, good question, I'd not heard of that. In fact, I think the problem is not with me genuinely not knowing how long -- it's when I ought to know it'll be too long, but I don't want to admit it to myself.

[eudoxiafriday.wordpress.com]

"Whereas for normal people, admitting a small failure now is better than holding on five more minutes and then imploding :)" - I'm not convinced (that 'normal people' don't have this problem), I think it could be pretty widespread ... but I agree that perfectionistic tendencies exacerbate it, and that it's linked to what one thinks about failure. (I think in western society in general there's a tendency to try hard to avoid failure, especially any visible failure)

It would indeed be useful to recognise warning signs and get out earlier ... I guess it depends a lot on what's causing the stress, though. If it's "being stuck in a meeting with idiots but this is a work meeting and I have to be here" then I guess there's not an easy way out; if it's something more long term that builds up over weeks maybe there's more scope to notice and try to do something about it (journal? exercise? find a way to delegate some of it? check sleeping habits? check eating habits?).

[jack]

I'm not convinced (that 'normal people' don't have this problem)

:) I think I tend to overidealise "normal" people in this sort of hypothetical :) But it is actually helpful to think that other people have coping strategies too, it's not just me who needs them :)

"being stuck in a meeting with idiots but this is a work meeting and I have to be here" then I guess there's not an easy way out

Although even then, it would be better to plead illness or something, or argue back, now, rather than waiting until one more round of yelling makes me snap... :)

[pseudomonas]

Popping out to the loo is moderately socially acceptable in many situations, and is a reasonable way to calm down/take stock.

[catyak]

A classic response at a previous employment. Meeting going on in room right next to door to car park. Idiot irritating everyone else in the meeting. One chap says 'excuse me', gets up, goes out to the car park, gives a good long "AAaaarrrrgggghhh!" scream, comes back in, sits down and acts as if nothing has happened. Idiot not quite sure what was happening, everyone else trying not to laugh.

D

[redbird]

One thing I found useful was the realization that imploding like that is more draining, and can be more intrusive, than taking a break sooner. Once I put it that way, it reduced the feeling of "but I shouldn't do that to people, I should give as much as possible," because n minutes of my time, energy, and/or attention is usually more useful than n+10 minutes followed by an implosion that they need to deal with. And those last ten squeezed-out minutes of work are likely to not be very productive, even if the whole thing is done in private so nobody else hears the implosion.

I don't know how useful you'd find it to explicitly schedule breaks: go off somewhere by yourself for lunch and/or a walk some workdays (even if you have to plead "errands" to get away), or put "time to myself" in your calendar now and then and use that time to read or listen to music or otherwise relax, not to do Useful Things. I find that the hard part when I have designated a rest day is to, in fact, rest: mine are more about physical than mental strain, but I find myself doing bits of housework so I can tell myself I haven't wasted a day, even with my partners reminding me that rest is not in fact a waste, it's a part of self-maintenance in the same way that going to the gym is.

[kaberett]

For me, this is related to difficulty in asking for help or expressing "weakness". I still have to be among people I really trust to feel okay saying "I need to go and lie down for five minutes, I'm not coping right now", but I'm getting better at it.

[eudoxiafriday.wordpress.com]

Another thing I find important is to admit to myself that there are some upsides of keeping on pushing and stressing until Meltdown Occurs. I have wonderful friends, and therefore if I experience Meltdown, I get quite a lot of attention and sympathy, and let's be honest - attention and sympathy is nice. Another upside is getting some of the 'kudos' (from self or others) that can come from the "ooh I'm just so hardworking I can continue to operate even when I'm really stressed, isn't that admirable?*" sorts of sentiments.

(*I think this is unhealthy, but I also think it is true that society regards working til-you-drop etc as admirable)

Having acknowledged that those things feel good and can be rather nice, it's then time (for me) to say: okay, but there are downsides too. Being stressed is unpleasant. Meltdown is unpleasant. The sympathy of friends is a wonderful thing but also a finite one and one shouldn't draw on it flippantly - also your friends could be in tough places at the moment and you don't know what stress it's putting on them to support you. So the grown up thing to do is to make better choices whenever you can, and try to minimise the stress, and deal with it so as to avoid meltdown. And then pat yourself on the back for being grown up about things and making helpful, constructive choices. (As noted above, I often find that a downside of making helpful, constructive choices is that nobody except yourself sees them, which makes it harder to choose the grown-up sensible healthy choice over the letting-it-all-spill-out toddler choice (which gets you sympathy)).

Does anyone else think like this or is it just me?